After Thoughts

“What if in skipping the pain, I was missing my lessons?”

Glennon Doyle Melton, Carry On Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed

Yesterday I wrote about the realization that I am a toxic person. That does not mean I feel like I am bad, want to treat others badly, or have any negative feelings about myself. What it does mean is that I have finally realized that I am not always the victim in situations and me trying to get what I need out of any relationship could be hurtful to others.

This was a very heavy feeling to carry. I am still feeling it today, just a little bit lighter. I think every day, the heaviness will continue to feel less. The weird thing about this heaviness is that it does not feel like a burden. It feels like a reminder. Like, after you go to the gym and workout. The day of the workout, you can feel your muscles and they feel good, like they’ve been put to use. The second day, you feel the stiffness but you can function and go about your day. The third day, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Your muscles are super sore and the thought of working out makes you want to throw up in your mouth a little. But the best thing for that soreness? Work out again. Your muscles are being used and they will grow.

Here are some thoughts and realizations I had over the past 18 hours:

  • I have been focused on myself too much – how am I a trigger for others?
  • Sitting with heavy things aren’t painful. They are working into my muscle memory to be a more permanent thing in my life.
  • Here is how I learn things – I learn it, think I am an expert, then forget. I remember it, gain back my expert status, and fail. I feel it, then it becomes a part of my life.
  • It’s not only that I am not ready for a relationship, It’s that others aren’t ready for me. Do I want to inadvertently hurt someone for my benefit?
  • Pain is where most growth and healing come from.
  • This has not been a painful event, but an emotional one. Tears do not always mean sadness and grief.
  • My co-dependence is not only bad for me, it is bad for others. They will heal in their own time, just like I will.
  • Do not suggest things I can do to fix other people’s situations; ask “What can I do to help?”. If they say “nothing”, let it go.
  • When he cut me out of his life, he was trying to save himself. He was showing strength.
  • He doesn’t blame me, so I shouldn’t blame myself.

As I was thinking about all this, I was sitting on my front porch, listening and watching all the nature around me. This metaphor came to me:

I am like a seed: my outer layers are being split open and can be painful at times; my roots are desperately trying to find some stable ground to take hold; my shoots are searching through the darkness and dirt trying to find a way out; my leaves are looking for light to fill me with energy; my stem is weathering the storm, trying not to break; then one day, I have fully bloomed in the sun and people are wanting to be in my presence and enjoying what I have to offer.

Corny? Most likely. But it makes sense to me. I have yet to fully bloom. In His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

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